i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
