I'm gonna have a badass scar
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
