I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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