the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
