remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
