i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
