So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
