Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
