No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
