I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
