im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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