We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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