On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
