Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize