if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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