I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
