a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize