Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
