My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish i was in the wii world.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
