Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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