cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
