I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you had me at cake vodka
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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