im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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