I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
