I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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