My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
