Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
