I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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