The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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