Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
