No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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