I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
