maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
