You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
