The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
