??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
