my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
