There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
