I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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