my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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