he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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