Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
