Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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