Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
