Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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