Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
