I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
