At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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