I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
