and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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