Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
