I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
