It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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