he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
