You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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