We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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