I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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