You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
