He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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